A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him and finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. 'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room. 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee: 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?', he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. 'Yes, I do,' she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?'

'Yes, I remember,' said his wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?' 'I remember that, too,' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said..

'I would have gotten out today.'

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.' And Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas;

With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells,

"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"

Her sick Black husband was laying on his death bed. He had only hours to live when he suddenly smelled chitterlings! He dearly loved chitterlings more than anything else in the world, especially the way his wife cooked them which was known through the state of Louisiana as Chitterlings "La Blackco".

With every last bit of energy left in his mind and body, the terminally ill husband pulled himself out of bed, across the floor, down the hall, and into the kitchen. Here, his wife was removing the fresh batch of chitterlings from the stove top.

As he reached for one of the freshly made chitterlings, his apron wearing wife, smacked him in the back of the head with a wooden spoon..
"Leave them alone, Charlie!", she yelled "...they're for the funeral!"

Two hillbillies were sitting around talking one afternoon. The first fellow says to the second:

"If'n I was to sneak over to your place Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The second fellow crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes like he was thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he said:

"Well, I don't know about us being kin, but it'd sure make us even.."

A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago; The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked:

"If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplane's?"

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant. The flight attendant, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "Yes she did."

"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes, because Southwest always pulls out on time.

Have your Mom explain THAT to you."

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks,
"WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Only when he's been drinking.."

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home safely.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she ever got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it; that way, she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough--in a little while, a snow plow went by and she started to follow it.

As she followed the snow plow she was feeling less smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right, as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was ok with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Walmart parking lot and was going over to Sears next..

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he look down and the floor is covered in $100.00 bills.

Suddenly, there is a knock at the door; He answers the door and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead, and the Klansmen walk off.

As they are walking away, they remove their hoods and it's the two blonde genie. One blonde genie says to the other one "Hey, I can understand the first wish: having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to; I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.."

"..But to be hung like a black man is beyond me."

A woman called a local hospital.
"Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if a family member is doing better."

The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"
"Sarah Finkel, room 302."
"I'll connect you with the nursing station."

"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"
"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."

"Are you a family member?"
"Yes, Yes I am.."

"Hold on.. let me look at her records...
Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, looks like Dr. Cohen is going to send her home very soon!"

The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's wonderful news!"
The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a sister or perhaps an aunt..?"

"Neither!
I'm Sarah Finkel in 302!.. and NOBODY ever tells me SHIT!"

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair; while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells the wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years... I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you; satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds:
"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.

Be strong honey, I love you too!!"

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:
Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna

The postal worker was touched; he showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened; It read:

Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing; (I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office!)