She fumed for a few stops & started getting really worked up. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your little monkey!"
------------------

A husband and wife noticed that their little boy's penis was a little too small so they took him to the doctor.

They expressed their concerns to the doctor. The doctor said to feed the little boy lots of toast. The next morning, the wife gets up really early and makes a huge stack of toast.

When the little boy comes down to breakfast, the mother says, "Take the top two slices. The rest are for your father."
-------------------------

The poem:
He laid her on the table, so white and clean and bare,
His forehead wet with beads of sweat, he rubbed her here and there;
He touched her neck and then her breast, then drooling felt her thigh
The slit was wet and all was set, he gave a joyous cry.

The hole was wide, he looked inside, all was dark and murky
He rubbed his hands and stretrched his arms......
and then he stuffed the turkey..!!
----------------------

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife..."
--------------------

A woman was trying to board a bus but her skirt was too tight and she could not step up.

She reached behind her and lowered the zipper a bit and tried again. The skirt was still too tight. She reached behind her and lowered the zipper some more. Still she couldn't get into the bus and lowered the zipper a third time.

All of a sudden she felt two hands on her butt, which proceeded to push her up into the bus. She spun around with anger in her eyes and said indignantly, "Sir, I do not know you well enough for you to behave in such a manner. "

The man smiled coyly and said, "Lady, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip my fly three times either."

----------------------

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. The young man stands up and asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes and asks God to cleanse his soul.

The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

He leans over to her and says,"You never told me that your father was a pharmacist."

----------------------

Proposed Dictionary Definition for Windows 95:

Windows 95 - A partial 32-bit graphical shell extension for a 16-bit patch to an 8-bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, pieced together by a 2-bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition.
----------------------

A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer. I know, he says, they say 'you can't take it with you.' But who knows? Suppose they're mistaken. I'd like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it's useful, I'll have something. They each agree to carry out his wish.

Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin. After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, "Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven't be able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friend's money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked".

At this the priest says, "I, too have a confession to make. As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as our friend requested".

Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says, "I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars".
-----------------------

Pinnochio was receiving complaints from his girlfriend about consummating their passions. "Every time we make love", she said " I get splinters". So he went back to his maker, Gipetto, the carpenter, to ask his advice.

"Sandpaper, my boy, that's what you need" was the carpenter's response.

A couple of weeks later the carpenter met Pinnochio. "How are you getting on with the girls now?" he asked

"Who needs girls?" replied Pinnochio.
----------------------

Why was Raggedy Ann thrown out of the toy box?

Because she kept sitting on Pinnochio's face, yelling,
"Lie to me....PLEASE! Lie to me..."
----------------------

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc.... After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help.

The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead, lay down & wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.

The farmer hangs up & gives this some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back & goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes & looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up & drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.

"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

-----------------------

An office manager had money problems & had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill... He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early.

Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.

Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk.

Then the manager thought he'd wait & see who would leave work the earliest, and both employees stayed after closing.

Jill finally went to the coat rack & the manager went up to her & said, "Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off."

Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."

----------------------

A magician had settled into a comfortable gig on a cruise ship. His act was rendered hilarious by his parrot, who would ridicule the magician after every trick, saying things like, "Big deal, the card's up his sleeve," or "He put the ball in a hidden floor, the faker!"

One night the ship began to sink. Confusion reigned, and the magician was barely able to hop into a tiny lifeboat with his beloved parrot. For two days the magician and parrot floated on the rough seas. Strangely, the parrot sat on the opposite end of the tiny craft staring at the magician.

Finally, on the fourth day the parrot blurted out, "OK, I give up! Where'd you put the #&*@ boat?!"
------------------------

A burglar was inside a home one night, prowling around in the dark with just a flashlight, looking for things to take. Out of the thick blackness came a raspy voice whispering, "Jesus is watching you!"

He stopped and looked around--and saw no one. On he goes about his nefarious business, when he hears it again, "Jesus is watching you!!"

He flicks his flashlight all around the room and it comes to rest on a large parrot in a cage.

"Did you say that?" he asked.
"Of course," says the bird.
"You're just a bird--what would you know about Jesus?"
Huffily, the bird answers, "I'm Clarence."
Laughing, the burglar says, "And what idiot would name a bird like you Clarence? Ha! Ha!"

Says Clarence, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus!"

---------------------
The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh by the way sir, did you know that your barracks door is open? He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee.

Calling her in, he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?"

The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

----------------
Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loves to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman is a sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerate her and some actually join in.

One day, Ethel was speeding along a corridor when a door opened and a man stepped out, with his arm out stretched. "Stop", he said in a firm voice. "have you got a licence for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and handed him a Kit Kat Wrapper. "Ok", he said and she went on her way.

Taking the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, another man stepped out in front of her. "Have you got a valid registration for your vehicle, madam?"

Ethel dug into her handbag again annd pulled out a slip of paper, which she held up to him and he allowed her to carry on. Going down the final corridor before the front door, a third man stepped out in front of her. This one was completely naked and holding a sizeable erection in his hand.

"Oh no", said Ethel, "Not the breathalyzer again!"

-------------------
3 buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say.....LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

------------------
A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving." He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?"

The Officer replies, "The President is just so depressed about the impeachment thing he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I'm walking round taking up a collection for him".

"Oh really? How much have you collected so far?"

"So far only about a hundred gallons but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning."
------------------------

One Sunday morning, the father noticed little Patrick
was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the
foyer of the parish church. The plaque was covered with
names, and small American flags were mounted on
either side of it. The seven-year-old had been
staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest
walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly,
"Good morning Patrick."

"Good morning father" replied the young man, still
focused on the plaque. "Father O'Brien, what is this?"
Patrick asked.

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and
women who died in the service."

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Patrick's voice was barely audible when he asked,
"Which service, the 8:30 or the 11:00?"
-----------------------------
A schoolteacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.

On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his
shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with deskwork. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
He had no discipline problems with any of his students that term.
-----------------------------
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.

Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail." Amen.
-----------------------------
It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.

A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"

Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".

The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"

The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."

The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"
-----------------------------
A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song.

Well, this happened ... but then they danced for the second song too. And the third. By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs.

A riot broke out, and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail.

In court the next week, the judge asked the best man what happened. ''Your honor, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and kicked the bride between her legs.''

''That must have hurt,'' said the judge.

''No kidding,'' said the best man. ''He broke three of my fingers.''
--------------------------------
The director of the CIA has to test three new agents, a 25-year-old, a 35-year-old, and a 45-year-old.

He puts each of their wives in a different room. He hands the 25-year-old a gun and says, "Go into the room and kill your wife." The 25-year-old says, "I can't do it. I love her too much."

The director hands the gun to the 35-year-old and says, "Go into the room and kill your wife." The 35-year-old goes into the room, comes out after five minutes, and says, "I can't do it."

The director hands the gun to the 45-year-old and says, "Go into the room and kill your wife." The 45-year-old goes into the room. Three shots ring out, and then there's the sound of scuffling and fighting.

The director runs into the room and sees the wife dead on the floor. He says, "What happened?"

The 45-year-old says, "Some idiot put blanks in the gun, so I had to choke her to death!"
-----------------------------